Revealing & Healing Regret
Reconsidering life goals and ambition in my mid-50s includes moments of intense career regret and disappointment.
I have been asking myself this eclipse season :
Do I regret the three decades climbing the career ladder of artist and organisational management in the music industry?
Do I regret publicly walking away from artist management when I was broken in 2015?
When the waves of the pandemic arrived in 2020 was my career ladder leaning up against the wrong wall the whole time?
In high school I considered being a social worker, an archaeologist or a fortune teller. I have been wondering if I regret not choosing one of those career ladders ?
Feeling Regret
Brene Brown files regret as an emotional ‘place we go when things don’t go as planned’. 1She argues that as humans we underestimate the disconnection and pain that feeling regret and disappointment can cause:
I feel sadness, grief and anger over the loss of time, money, health and wellbeing, friends and hobbies as I slaved over email, spreadsheets and run sheets for decades.
I feel bitterness for the lack of professional development and support available to me as a young woman ‘learning on the job’ since 1992.
I feel exhausted when I think of the years of relentless 60+ hour working weeks.
I feel grief for the loss of time with my children when they were young due to work travel.
I feel broke when I think of the lack of superannuation, debts owed and investments made in others’ creative endeavours.
Processing Regret
For many reasons (unfolding within the pages of my draft manuscript) my unwitting choice of a ‘career’ in music industry hurt and (re)traumatised my body, mind and spirit. With rue and regret I believe my own decisions and/or actions were to blame and thereby begins the spiral of guilt, self doubt and pity.
Recently I have actively chosen to feel the unpleasantness of these big yucky feelings. To stare down the disappointment of unmet expectations of myself and others. I know now how to process the shit, heal and move on with this one life.
It has been a full twelve moon cycles since returning home from the Walk On travel adventures of 2023 and I have continued to embrace the reflection, change and growth that new horizons demand. I have applied unsuccessfully for jobs, commenced a master’s degree, read dozens of books and academic papers and taken bespoke pieces of consultation work for creative sector leaders that value what my unique skill set offers.
There is a quickening of resolve to my career regret feelings now. Relevance deprivation shifts to an exploration of wisdom, experience and skill for those that know what I am capable of. Fading ambition evolves into a general loss of interest and lack of willingness to participate whatsoever in the business of creativity.
Healing Regret
Music remains the bridge, the connection between my past, present and future. I delight in the meaning music gives my life every day.
I relish, and enjoy witnessing, the continued impact of the work I did to facilitate artists’ careers and the organisations I worked with.
To determine any future goals and ambitions I need to understand my past – big feelings, regrets, warts and all!
Tim Minchin recently published a delightful book “You don’t have to have a dream. Advice for the incrementally ambitious.” He writes that you can spend your life chasing a ‘big enough dream’ to only fall into an abyss at the end of life and instead advocates for micro-ambition – the ‘passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals’. I love that. When I reflect on the ‘career that was’ I can see clearly that my superpower was always the hyper focus of doing what is right in front of me really, really well. I always endeavoured to excel on the current rung of the ladder, then take on the next task/rung and keep going. It is intrinsic to who I am.
Every day I remain micro-ambitious. Only now, instead of run sheets, emails and mediating others’ ‘big dreams’ I am dedicated to community service once a week at the local food bank, am learning how to be a great cook for the collective healthy microbiome, making incense and getting each chapter of my memoir incrementally finished.
I cannot finish this blog piece without referencing Bronnie Ware’s transformational book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” (if you haven’t read it put it on your micro-ambition reading list!)
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Long term goals and vision to live by I reckon ! I will be keeping an eye on the peripheral for opportunities, magic, friends, rest, calm, love and joy.
I pay my respects to the Elders and Ancestors of the Turrbal and Jagera Yuggera peoples of the lands I live, walk, work and play on.
My music industry and cultural analysis writing is found over on Medium here.
Instagram @rebelbuzz
Brene Brown “Atlas of the Heart, mapping meaningful connection and the language of the human experiences” (2021).
Love this! Brilliant writing! We can all find ourselves in here, and reflect on our life choices, the roads travelled and untravelled.
Well that was worth signing up to Substack for! Thank you for sharing Leanne, I eagerly await your book!! You’re a brilliant writer.